


So This is Christmas...

by Starryar (Breadmione)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Behind the Scenes, Christmas Fluff, Coming Out, Dumbledore's Armada Flash Fest, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Christmas, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Mention of abuse, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28261443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breadmione/pseuds/Starryar
Summary: After a row with his mother, sixteen year old Sirius Black decides enough is enough.He leaves his home of 12 Grimmauld Place and goes to the only home he can think of: The Potter's. He tries to keep his head low, in an attempt 'not to ruin the holidays', and almost succeeds - at least until he is found weeping in front of a gramophone and fireplace by his boyfriend, Remus Lupin, who is staying with the Potters for the holidays as will due to his own home life.Longing for home, and missing his younger brother Regulus, will Sirius finally break under the heavy weight of his boyfriend's piercing stare, or will he choose to internalize feelings that are bound to make him combust?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48
Collections: DA's Found Family - Make The Yuletide Gay





	So This is Christmas...

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [KrysKrossZee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrysKrossZee/pseuds/KrysKrossZee) in the [FoundFamilyMakeTheYuletideGay](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/FoundFamilyMakeTheYuletideGay) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  Sirius' first Christmas without his brother.

" _Bells will be ringin' the sad, sad news / Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues_."

The anxiety Sirius was trying to avoid addressing was tightening threateningly in his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he mused that this particular Christmas song wasn't helping, due to its theme of not being home for the holidays.

His amateur attempts at painting the feather on the soft skin of his inner forearm was only angering him, as he was learning quickly that the sparse hairs he was going over were unyielding to the brush James lent him earlier. He also didn't think the tears in his eyes helped much either. ' _How the fuck did he make it look so easy?_ ' A teardrop fell right in the middle of his creation, dispersing the fine, malformed lines of the bird's chest.

Sirius was shaking now and he was so preoccupied on trying to keep quiet so he didn't wake the rest of the Potter house’s guests, that he didn't hear Remus approach him from behind. "Well there you have it, I shaved off the bloody mustache, Padfoot. You can stop moping n-now..." Remus' sentence trailed off seeing Sirius' look up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "What -"

"Nothing." Sirius looked back down and furiously wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, accidently getting a glob of green paint on a lock of his inky black hair. "I'm fine."

"Obviously not." Remus sat down next to him. Sirius was never one to open up about the demons he was facing – not that Remus could say much about it as he was a bit of a stoic type himself – but he wasn't going to let Sirius break down by himself on Boxing day.

It was a surprise that Sirius had arrived at James' house at all. Walburga and her husband traditionally had kept him locked away for the holidays, with no way to contact his housemates. He revealed that after a hideous row with Walburga at Grimmauld Place, where she attempted to hit him with a cruciatus curse, the sixteen year old decided he had had enough and announced he was leaving with no plan to return. He apologized profusely to James’ parents for showing up unannounced during dinner, but he hadn’t known where else he could go. It was all for naught though, as Mr. and Mrs. Potter happily opened their home to him as a permanent resident, just as they had welcomed Remus and Peter for the holidays.

Remus looked down at what Sirius had been doing and suddenly had to bite his inner cheek to keep from snickering out loud, despite the heaviness between them. "Why are you painting prongs on your arm in that terrible color?"

Sirius looked down at his forearm. It _did_ look closer to a cluster of antlers than a phoenix. It was Christmas green. Slytherin Green. He hated the fucking color.

After a few breaths, he let out a watery chuckle. "It was the only color James had that hadn't turned to shit yet." He waved a hand at the mess of plastic paint containers that was surrounded by flakes of dried out paint. They were obviously from James' younger years, it was a set that had non-toxic and lead-free paint fit for a child, leaving the quality of colors completely questionable. Sirius, nonetheless, had been still grateful when James handed him the paint with an apology and a slap on the back.

"I see that." Remus' pursed his lips in thought, not sure if asking his next question would be worth it if Sirius refused to answer it. "Why the paint?"

Sirius swallowed as he pressed his lips together and shook his head. Determined not to answer, he forced himself to sink deeper into his hunch as he dipped the paintbrush back into the green paint. He just wanted to feel like he was _home_ again. Not to be with his blood purist mother and father whom he loathed, but with Regulus. He had finally left the Ancient and Noble House of Black – a fantasy he thought he still would not experience for years – and he should have been happy. There was no doubt in his mind that his name had already been burned off the tapestry, but the guilt of leaving his little brother there alone was already starting to eat him alive.

He was afraid to admit that he was sitting in front of the crackling fire of the floo because he was willing to go back to the abusive household, just so Regulus wasn’t alone.

" _Friends and relations send salutations / Sure as the stars shine above / But this is Christmas, yes, Christmas, my dear / Some time of year... to be with the one you love._ "

He was shaking again, this time more violently than before as he was keenly aware of his audience. It was humiliating to feel so weak, to want to tell his boyfriend about what he was feeling, and about what had been happening at Grimmauld Place. Not only was it difficult to express such things after holding it in for so long, he felt he hardly had a right to feel so distraught with what Remus had to go through in his own home, all because some bastard decided retribution should come in the form of infecting an innocent child with lycanthropy.

And yet, the words flew from his lips like projectile word vomit anyway:

"I told Reggy about us last night." A gasping breath tore through him with the confession, but he suppressed it as best as he could so he could continue. "He found me in a state – I was upset about what your father said about us when you told him and -" Sirius let out a choked sob and laid his forehead on his hand, blocking out Remus' slight and lanky frame from his blurry vision. He was openly crying now, but that didn't mean he wanted Remus to see if he could help it. "He left the room and returned with the paint set I got him for Christmas. I thought he was disgusted with me for a second," Sirius clenched his hands into fists, trying to will himself to stop crying. "When he came back, he took my arm and started to paint a phoenix on me. Said I shouldn't feel worthless because of who I am and who I love. He's a smart kid, you know," Sirius pressed the ball of both palms into his eyes. His entire body shuttered with held in gasps. "He told me - He told me that a canvas won't be more than a couple galleons before it's bought at an art shoppe, but once it's painted on – once we grow into who we were meant to be – it could go for millions. He said I was just a Picasso in the making." He gave a mirthless laugh at the sacred memory. "I said he was spending too much time with Hufflepuffs, but I was just being a tosser. He didn’t seem to mind."

"This is your first Christmas without him." Remus observed as he put a tentative hand on Sirius' thigh, just above his knee. It was a hesitant attempt at comfort. Despite being an only child, he knew Sirius well enough that he understood what wasn't said: Sirius was scared for his brother. Not just because of what they might do to Regulus, but how it would affect their brotherly relationship. Sirius was afraid of losing him for making the right choice for himself. "He's going to be okay, Sirius. He's not going to hold this against you. He's a smart bloke, just like you said."

Sirius felt panicked as his breath hitched in his throat once more. "No, they'll make him hate me. He's such a good person, he's so eager to please them, and I left him -"

"I don't believe it." This time, Remus didn't try tiptoeing around his boyfriend's feelings and grabbed Sirius' chin, gently forcing him to look into his eyes as he leaned in close. They had been together for just over six months, and Remus thought it was time they started to act like it. He wanted an open communication with him, especially if _this_ was how Sirius handled emotions in his lonesome. "Remember how excited you were when Regulus had first purchased his wand? You were so proud, you memorized the specifics. What is his wand core?"

"Unicorn hair." Sirius mumbled.

"And remember what I said to that?" Sirius' silver eyes brightened with hope and Remus' lips twitched upward, knowing he was getting through to him. "Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts, thus meaning dark wizards aren't often armed with them." Remus' hand left Sirius' chin to make its home on the back of his neck instead. He pulled Sirius in for a soft, but brief, kiss. "He's going to be fine, Sirius. And when he finally leaves, we'll be waiting for him. We'll have so many Christmases with your brother that we'll all forget about the few he wasn't able to be present for."

" _Ooh, there'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain / And I'll be happy, Christmas once again_."

Sirius swallowed as he closed his eyes, accepting the reassurance and warmth Remus provided with another kiss. This time, it was much longer and filled with reassurances that happy times were waiting for them. The ball in his chest was slowly loosening and he had finally stopped crying.

When they pulled away, lips slightly swollen and pink from the attention they just gave each other, Sirius thought he might try for cuddling with Remus in front of the fireplace where they sat, but Remus had other ideas.

Remus swiftly nicked the brush out of Sirius' hand and gently wrapped his thumb and middle finger around Sirius' wrist to pull his arm towards him, just as he imagined Regulus might have. The paint looked worse than it had when he first saw it, as Sirius ended up smashing the skin when he put his hands over his face. "Let's fix this up then."

Remus' looked at Sirius' with loving, hazel eyes. There was more gold than green most days out of the month and Sirius found it was the perfect metaphor for his life:

It reminded Sirius of home – his _true_ home; the one he shared with Remus, James, Peter, and one day, Regulus. It was a shiny gold. A Gryffindor gold. He loved the color.

"It won't be an easy fix, Moony."

"Then it's a good thing I enjoy the rewards that come with hard work."

By the time the record had stopped and the two young men had their fill in talking about more tentative things like the future, Sirius wore a slightly lopsided, emerald wolf on his arm. A promise that he would still be loved, even in the times he didn't think he deserved it.


End file.
